secret-keeper

I'm awake at 2am in the morning. I had a couple of revelations just an hour ago, and woke up just to get everything off my chest, but I hear there was an explosion near where I used to stay in college. So now I'm surfing the internet to see what everyone else is up to. Wow, people are still awake at this hour. I suppose I'm the only one who works ten-hour days.

I want to get my boyfriend an iPod shuffle for his birthday / graduation, but I'm balking at the price. They're not that cheap, for their tiny size. Oh well. Can I give it to him for his birthday/graduation/Christmas? 

--

I was in my REM state just a while ago, thinking about work in my sleep, when my eyes suddenly flew open while I was worrying about some mistake I might've committed. It sucks being dedicated to your job. As an employee, you're basically paid to worry, but I'm pretty sure that you are by no means obligated to think this much about it. Not at this pay. Not as an entry level worker (I say entry level because it's my first job.)

And whatever irrational grudge I had at the time against God, I gave it up. I was simply too exhausted with sleep deprivation, which my mom said I had, because I didn't pray. As much as I hate to admit it, she raised a valid point. So I just basically surrendered right there. Sleep is a basic need you know, and I haven't had a good one since... February of two years ago. It was the beginning of a string of personal disasters that extended up to just this summer, but I have never felt so sure of myself in God. I never felt so close and so free. (It's three am now, and I can feel a headache coming.)

Then I started thinking about work. I'm worrying way too much about it and I'm sure even my boss doesn't lose sleep over it. Heck, I have nightmares and dreams about work. This is crazy insane. I've drenched my thoughts with work because outside of it is just a gaping, endless void. And then, I realized, the only thing I should be losing sleep over is my business, not someone else's. My dad and I were discussing this when I was thinking about starting my own business. With the things I want to do tied up into relatively long-term projects, I had been warned about losing sleep just trying to make ends meet and making sure things go smoothly. I've been obsessing over minor details at work because my boss is so meticulous. Why couldn't I obsess over the minor details of a business plan, overseeing everything, bossing everyone else around?

I took this as a sign. I'm a workaholic. My work ethic has been affirmed by bosses and teachers -- when I'm driven, I'm driven. I know I can make it work, because to turn away employment is to leave you with no choice. My friend had a "no choice theory" -- she procrastinated come hell or high water, but at the last split second, she got things done, because she had no choice. When you have no choice, you'll find a way to make things work, no matter what. And they work out, eventually. Because there's no other choice. 

Come to think of it, isn't the reason so many people are experiencing a quarter-life crisis right now is the fact that they have too many choices and they don't know what it is that they want exactly? They are paralyzed with options, and by their indecision, they end up not doing anything with their lives.

Somewhere in my train of thought, work and God collided. I felt the "goosefrabah of affirmation" (to prevent people from thinking I have the crazies, I mentioned something crazy in a twist of irony.)