secret-keeper

I've realized that it will be the biggest mistake of my life to break up with my boyfriend. Not that I had any concrete intention to do so, but he's amazing, and I remind myself of this everytime I try to sabotage my relationship due to my own personal hangups. I've never met anyone this mature when it came to relationships. I'm immature when it comes to fights but when we work things out in the end I feel like we're closer than ever. It blows me away. 

I've realized that I'm not as good a hotshot as I think I am when it comes to work. And people in my line of work usually think that they're the shit. So I'm trying to be the opposite, simply because it's the truth: it's my first job, and I don't know squat. The things under my initiative fall away. So my leadership skills aren't the best.

I realized that for my dreams to come to fruition, I better be damn clear with where I'm coming from and with what I want to do. The basic idea is to build things. I want to build! I see a city of progression and rising skyscrapers and I so want to be part of the foray, realizing visions, changing the landscape of the city, establishing economic stability brick by brick. I want to remove the slums. I want to create communities.

I've been told that I'm too idealistic. But I think that the more important thing is, motive. What is my motive? Right now, I just want to build for the sake of building. I just want to build because it's possible. I just want to build and see my ideas come to life, like an artist, like an architect. I want to build because I want it to be my way of putting the world in order. Motive is always the question to ask when you want to be a religious/political/leader. It's easy to want something, but the harder thing is pinpointing why. Self-interest is a hard thing to admit to, and it's mostly the one reason why people shouldn't be doing what they think they want.

So, I hope my dreams and ambitions and impossible ideals exist for all the right reasons.

If only I could hack the math, I'd definitely be an architect.

I want to start a chapter of Architecture for Humanity in my area. And if ever, hopefully, I super want my CSR initiatives to be all about slum abolition, community development, and entrepreneurship. 

I've been fickle my whole life, but I hope this is it. I hope this is *the* dream, I hope this is *the* vision. I hope these dreams are the final blueprint upon which my life will be fashioned. 

I am impatient. I can't wait to start building, I can't wait to hit the ground running, but the truth is I haven't even begun to learn to crawl.