secret-keeper

These are i requests, I think -- these are stuff I would get for myself if I chose to spend my own money.

1. Sony Greenheart C901 - a nice cellphone made out of recycled plastics and a reliable 5MP camera because I'm too lazy to lug a separate camera around. Plus the Xenon flash doubles as a flashlight for the blackouts that are becoming more and more common in the workplace.

2. Nook e-reader - so I don't blind myself prematurely being a bookworm on an LCD / CRT monitor! I actually prefer the e-reader to the iPod, but I already have a beat-up iPod so that's less gadget lust for me. 

3. A nice 2010 planner - my summer schedule's turning out to be pretty hectic. I've survived work without one so far, but I'm not sure for how much longer I can go on like this.

--- 

Wow, after that, my wishlist goes blank. Okay, the big-ticket items:

4. A car - I need one to take me around. Tired of taking the cab everywhere.

5. A macbook - I promised my boyfriend that I won't be purchasing a laptop anytime soon. After everything that's happened, I'm not sure I still want to. I'd still like to have a macbook some day but right now I'm being served just fine.

---

Hm. That's a short list. Anyway, the stuff that probably won't be getting off my future wishlists anytime soon simply because it's a major big-ticket item, majorly majorly so.

6. Trip around the world. If I can't ever afford the jetsetting lifestyle for real, maybe a trip exploring all of europe will do. or all of Asia. Heck, all of the country would be nice. 

---

I've listed the things I want, but here's what I want more than all of those things: I wanna get my business rolling already. It's a huge beginning investment, so right now I'm taking my sweet time and studying. The harder thing is getting off my ass and actually doing something. 

I really didn't grow up a gifts person and I'm finding it hard to buy things I want for myself. That would've been fine except I'm also finding it hard to get people to buy things for me. I'm just super minimalist like that. I feel like dropping hints even then would've been too obvious.

I was browsing through a bookstore with my boyfriend on the phone and I started telling him -- "you know a book I've always wanted to get?" I started realizing where I was going with this conversation so I changed the topic to how I bumped into an old college teacher that day, something I never expected. After that, my boyfriend brought the conversation back: "so, you were saying about that book...." he picked up on my "hint". I got embarrassed and ended it before it went any further.

I want lots of things, I do. I want a Kindle and I would like to have a macbook again. I really would like to have that book. But at the end of the day, I've lived without them and survived just fine. I just can't justify spending all that money for those things. With or without those things, I still get to read a lot, and stay inspired. 

So, they're just fringe benefits. 

(I still haven't gotten a birthday gift for my boyfriend. I have no idea what to get him.)

It would be nice though to have someone know me so well I wouldn't even have to attempt to drop hints (that just feels classless to me, dropping hints, like I'm entitled to something.) It would be nice to have someone surprise me with something I never even knew I wanted. I think my boyfriend knows me that well, except for that one time he surprised me with a stuffed soccer ball as part of my graduation gift. (the other gift was a wallet, which I really needed, so I'm thankful for that.)

They have the best software, really. They just work -- no bloat, no fuss, and they're inherently pretty.

Marketing plans? I'm just a little bit excited, and a little bit scared. I've been trying to summon my inner nerd but she's hiding under a rock. Putting my ideas to paper, figuring out the maths, counting the beans, and making something from intangible to tangible has never been so daunting. Excel gives me hives.

But that's not how I'm supposed to think. No, I can do this, I can do this.

The Chairman goes where his ideas go. He makes them into reality, and he leaves his people to tidy up the messes behind him. I would so love to be the chairman. I would so love to be that person who has no qualms about declaring that he has no idea how to read a balance sheet to save his life and not have to worry about it -- heck, even have the right to say it. I would so love to make a mess and just leave the people behind me to fix it up. That would make life a ballpark.

But no, balance sheets are in front of me, and I have mounds of paperwork to tackle. If I am to be like Richard Branson, or any other person who set out to conquer and succeeded, I have to first, in my own way, conquer these tiny mountains. This is just practice for the big stuff.

I can't say, "I can do that," when I have no idea to work out what's right in front of me. So, baby steps. I just hope I don't get bored. I can't help out with the business plans if my marketing plans are incomprehensible. So,

GO ME. YEAH. I CAN DO THIS.

My boyfriend's getting a job soon. It will really put the distance in long distance. 

I realize the value of commitment to relationships now. Whereas in the beginning I was all about "power couples" and "trophy wives," all about Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right, I have surprised myself by being so ready to settle down so easily. And, as in most relationships, I have found that conflicts are not as simple and superficial as I originally thought. When listening to stories of good relationships gone bad in the past, I would simply think to myself exasperatedly, "he's just not that into you!" or, "jeez, just dump the guy already," or, "have you not heard of the word 'compromise'?" Now, we've been dealing with the real issues such as pride, not just in terms of relationships with each other, but with other people, and even with ourselves. It's a painful reorientation of priorities in the face of the Other. On a spiritual level, this intimacy in spite of its ease has brought malaise and a painful journey towards self-improvement, to put it crudely.

I tend to be irrational sometimes, like a woman like that, but, let me just say, if I ever do conceive of breaking up, all I have to say to myself is: "Sayang." Like a once-beautiful garden now barren from my failure to tend to it.